what do you do when the people you trust your life with. who you look up to. the only people who have been there regardless of absolutely everything...what happens when those people...arent trusted...are judged everyday by the stupid things they may have done in the past in which they regret...and which they are trying to redeem themselves...what happens when your told not to look up to your hero?

what happens when your told not to love the only person you can actually see youself with...when people try to tell you exactly who they are, but they dont even know the half of what that persons been through. they say they know exactly who he is, and exactly what he wants, but they dont know a damn thing about him. 

what happens when people you've had an amazing amount of respect for in the past. who you've seen yourself looking up to before...what happens when something happens, and they're oppinion of you changes in an instant based on absolutely nothing true.

what happens when your own family, doesnt trust you anymore. 

 what then...?

its getting old.....and im tierd of it.

blah

i just gotta get it off my chest

My number one fear in life, is not having enough time to do everything that i want to do...its unpredictible so it could end at any time...i want to graduate high school, i want to get into a good college, i want to get a good job that im gonna love to do, thats gonna be not just a career, but a passion as well. i want to get married and have a family (way farther down along the road of course) and i think most importantly, i want to see the whole world (well, as much as i can anyways...) then of course they're are some smaller goals i have for myself, like being good at the thing i love most. the only thing that has never turned it's back on me for the past 5 years. my goals mean a lot to me, and i someday hope to achieve every one of them...but within the last 4 months or so...the visions have become more and more blurry...and im scared....

i dont know what to do anymore, im stuck.

people expect a lot from me...and when i cant give them what they want it hurts.

one thing i've learned...i dont want to hurt anyone anymore...

it seems like no matter what i do, someone gets hurt.

i cant do it anymore, i dont want to.

im tierd of hurting my parents. im sick of having friends "pretend" to care. im cant stand that im hurting him, inside it's like im drowning and there's no one to help..?

but im sick of being lied to. im sick of being judged. im sick of people looking down on me like im scum. im tierd of everyone thinking they know exactly what runs through my head when they dont. im sick of pretending to care. all i want to do is just get away from here. from everyone. from everything.

so what the hell am i supposed to do?!

i cant stand who i am anymore...

i cant look at myself and just be okay with who i am

i hate me.

and so does everyone else.

to all my friends, im sorry if i've been a huge burden on you...im really sorry...

and no im not fucking suicidle, im not depressed, im not cutting, and im NOT looking for attention. so if those thoughts are crossing your mind, get them out because that is NOT why im posting this.

why im posting this is because i need to get shit out. i need people to see this to just get off my fucking back and ease up for like a week so i can just be okay even if it is for a short period of time.

no, i will not talk to you in person about this. i cant. sorry.

but its cool if you care. it means alot...i wish others did, but they dont.

whatever.

im just fucking sick of everything.

this house. other people. myself.

im out.

-melissa

long time no post...mostly cause i forgot my p/w...

but yeah...this is an entry just for myself, basically...i just need to get things out where certain people cant see them...but yeah...

so here i am in the shittiest situation i could possibly imagine...i would give absolutely everything and anything for it not to be this way...but things dont always work out the way we want them too, do they...? i fell so in love with him...so so in love. i love everything about him and who he is (give or take 1 or 2 things...) and i so want a relationship to really happen between us...but we have this huge wall in the way banning us from seeing each other...we cant even talk on the fone...till im 18. and that just kills me. just the internet...it's okay...but i dont know if i could be able to go on that long without seeing him...3 years is a really long time for me...so...for now, love for me...means letting go...even if it's the hardest thing im ever going to have to do...and god does it hurt...i broke two hearts in trying to do the best thing...what him and i shared...it was amazing...i love him...i still do, and i always will...and i hope so so much that we can pick things back up when im 18 and when we can do this the right way...the past 2 days have really been hell for me...i want things to go back to normal but they cant and that hurts. its over. that kills me. all of this is just killing me...and i know hes in pain too...but im so sick and tierd of my parents...and everyone else...being on my back about this...im not strong an d i gave in. i thought i could do it...i thought i could make this work...i broke down and now theres not very many people able to help me pick up the pieces cause they just do not understand. i dont even understand...i saw a quote the other day "they say im too young to be in love, maybe they are just too old to remember" something around those lines...and it's true...sure we had shitty moments and fights all the time...he drove me nuts and sometimes i could just strangle him...but at the same time...i loved him....even when i wanted to kill him...he was my idiot...people didnt understand...and that hurt too cause they dont know a love like this...if there were any other way...if we could just be together and that be alright with my parents and everyone else...i wouldnt have had to go and do this. i wish there was.

i dont know what to do...my hearts shattering.

and i miss him.

i love you angel...remember that.

~Melissa.

well hello there!

i noe its been about forever and a minute since ive updated...but its not like anyone ever reads this anymore! lol well check out my myspace then.....http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=26412588&Mytoken=9B32FE2A-6983-71BF-E0DE6BC933C5853277881870.....

ANYWHO!

erm....lets c..well yesterday was the last day of skool for 2 weeks...thank God 2....i need a break from there...uhm thursday was the holiday party fer lifetime...as well as my Dr. Dres last class..... it was very hard sayin goodbye to one of my favorites (and no Dre, im not just sayin tht cuz i noe your reading this...you really are..yanoe despite the whole mouthgaurd thing) we were all sad, and it was really hard to fight back the tears..for all of us. so Dre..noe that you will be SO SO SO missed...good luck in Australia kid....best wishes to you and your family...and come back here when you can....

wht else...hmmz....well next week is Christmas...which means next week i get to see my TI-DI! hehe i miss tht kid.....alot.

uhm....yeah nothin else really goin on this week, so if u wanna get together at some point...call the cell and well plan something!

welll im bored and tierd..so heres some quotes and icons

<?3 Melissa

its true.....

i LOVE this song...it always makes me wanna cry...lol

lmfao....true story.

i will always be there for you, that i swear.

I just want to fall into your arms when nothing is going
my way And I want you to hold me and tell me everything
is gonna be ok

I believe that two people are connected at the heart,
and it doesn't matter what you do, or who you are or
where you live; there are no boundaries or barriers
if two people are destined to be together.
-Julia Roberts

tonite sucked.....

first i got fuckin yelled at by grant for somethin i didnt even do!!! i wasnt laugin at the kids!! i was laughin at him!!!! someone else was laughin at the kids!!! nd he coulda handeld it a whole lot better...instead he fuckin starts yellin at us!!! i was about too say i didnt do it! but..psh, like anyone wants to listen to wht i have to say anymore. so i blew off class cuz i felt like it. then i went to the screening....then came home....and ive just realized somethin...ppl ALWAYS come to me wit relationship problems or somethn..now do not get me wrong...i LOVE helpin a friend in need out...but its like i help them so much sometimes...all i want is some one who is willing too listen to my whole story. someone who will be there with me until im better. just someone. thas all i ask. and instead i get ppl who r there for like 30 seconds and there movin on to somethin else. i guess its better then havin no one at all. but still. im there for them., so why cant they be there for me?!? thas all i ask from them. but..no that must be too difficult. everythings just ending up so wrong. but i guess theres no ware else to go but up...hopefully. thas wht i gotta do...stay hopefull. pray...and hope is all i can do at a time like this i guess. im just so frustrated. i noe there could be worse things. but....i dunno...maybe i got my hopes up way too high wit this guy. so basically all i have to calm me down rite now....is my music...my writing...karate. and prayer. with all tht said...hrees a bunch of quotes ive been collecting for a while now. hope u like them...nd props to those who made them..u guys r genious.

<?3 Melissa

Think of how different it would be
if you never met the one person
who changed everything